Roy Hudd

Tribute Lunch to Roy Hudd 2009

"Some Rhyming 'Uddlines"

When I told someone I was speaking today
This bloke replied “I thought he was dead.
Wasn’t he chasing an emu up on a roof
When he slipped and fell on his head?”

I said “No. You’ve got the wrong bloke.
This lad’s full of vigour and vim
And often writes poems and monologues
So today I’ve done one for him.

It goes thus…….

There’s a nondescript suburb called Croydon
Where nobody’s been known to have fun
And a couple whose surname was ‘udd
Lived there with young Roy, their son

A smart little lad was young Roy
A bright-eyed and neat little bloke
But if you stood by him too long
He’d tell you a terrible joke

So this introvert went through his first decade
Sitting so quietly on his school bus
Then one day he brought home some news
“Grandma, I’ve just failed my Eleven-Plus”

“Oh Roy,” said his Gran “it’s a shame.
I’ve worried since the day you were born
I don’t suppose you’ll ever make any money
Being so laid back and withdrawn”

So Roy went to a secondary modern
With schoolmates who would soon be jailbirds
And while he was there he learnt French
And also many other long words

Then one day he joined the Boy Scouts
Something that made his Grandma’s mind boggle
But that only lasted ‘til puberty
When he got thrown out for playing with his woggle

When he left school his report was not good
The Headmaster said “he’s a bit of a dullard.
Or let me put it another way
He’s the thinking man’s Arthur Mullard.”

Such a cruel jibe hurt him badly
It kept him awake through the night
He thought one day I’ll become a great wit
Well at least he got that half right

So he set off out into the world
And though his qualifications were lesser
He worked as a commercial artist
And a rather camp window dresser

Then he became a redcoat at Butlins
As he felt his career needed a reviver
Until one night an old lady camper
Asked him if he was a coach driver

But just when things had got so bad
That he contemplated a life of crime
And despite still being so quiet and shy
He got booked on Workers’ Playtime

From that day he’s been steeped in show business
The man’s talent seems to have no end
Actor, comic, playwright, singer, author
But, more important, he’s a wonderful friend

Roy and Debbie have always been there for us
When others proved to be a letdown
And Laura and I know that will always be so
Until that final curtain comes down

I’m not going to list all his achievements
There’s far too many boxes to tick
And, in any case, I find such talented people
Can start to get on my wick

We all know what he’s achieved
He’s got so many gags in his bonce
And he really doesn’t look seventy-one
Although I’m sure that he must have done once

So finally one piece of advice
Roy, one maxim in life you should set
At your age keep off organic foods
You need all the preservatives you can get